Colonoscopy ... if you cry laughing it is not my fault

An Appointment for a Colonoscopy

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. This is from his colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with fewer flavors. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3 . 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

And the best one of all....

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Someone Get That Crack Pipe Away From McCain Before He Blows This Election!

I trace it back to the summer, whenever it was that McCain stopped talking to reporters. Giving the media a wealth of material and straight talk helped get the senator his party's nomination; why quit? Then he tapped Governor Palin: charming, of course, but an odd choice to bolster one's own position with the public. Few people outside of Seward's Folly even knew her name. McCain had to sell her, instead of benefitting from the reflected light of a respected and well-known public figure with complementary expertise (see Joe Biden for Vice President, the picking of). And then he went on, like a frenzied chamois leaping from Alpine peak to peak, to fumble the national banking crisis with conflicting statements, and then by "suspending his campaign". He raced to Capitol Hill, which has not resounded with his step in months, where Congress felt it could carry on notwithstanding his absence. He is now rounding out the image of a punchy hothead by the too-frequent use of the phrase "my friends" and a slightly inebriated sense of excitement in his demeanor. Has he lost all shame? Perhaps he should take a little rest time at one of his seven houses to compose himself instead of turning to drugs.

The Bogus Human Factor for Politicians

I was listening to NPR today and the voices were talking about the McCain-Obama debate. The analyst brought up an apparent highlight for McCain, the moment near the end when he engaged with an enlisted Navy person in the audience. This was labeled one of the few "human moments" of the debate. Why are human moments the holy grail of the campaign trail? What the hell is wrong with the people in this country? I mean, besides the evangelical morons who vote for whoever is "pro-life" independent of any other consideration. In fact a useful act would be to sterilize these rubes. Anyhow, why are human moments important? I would like to see less human moments now, and more shrewd and saavy governing moments after election. Isn't this why Gore didn't have a larger popular majority and didn't win the electoral majority? (Besides the fact that stupid Tennessee, his own state, failed him) He was too...wooden or robotic, stiff, wasn't that it? What was he really? Too proficient? Intelligent? Educated? Knowledgeable? Efficient? Effective? Professional? Academic? Objective? Rational? Hello!!! We want someone in the executive office is who NOT a regular average citizen. We want someone who eschews emotion for hard facts and rational cost/benefit decisio-making. We want someone who is good at governing, not fostering a cult of personality via charisma and human moments. I don't know how pointless it is to complain about this. To some degree its a reflection of being human and occurs all around the world. But if there is anywhere there should be a higher standard, shouldn't it be in America?

Sarah Palin Debate Flowchart

You all know I am sort of desensitized about this prolonged campaign. Well, I don't pay too much attention to the mass mailings. This one I liked as Little John would say in Robin Hood :) I loved this one! The Bean Counter.